I kept saying “I turn my will and my life over to You.”  But they were just empty words.  Words I wish I meant; but didn’t.  I had lost my trust in God – lost my connection with Him.  I wasn’t about to turn my life over to somebody I could no longer trust with it.

Daily I continued trying to force change on myself that I was not ready for.  Changes that would come naturally if I just stopped resisting the Life Force and learned to trust again.

But we just have to ride these things out – continuing to step forward into the future as we feel ready.  It is scary to stay broken for so long.  Our egos keep telling us that we have to fix ourselves and move forward.  Death is just around the corner if you don’t smarten up.  The world is still going on without you.  It’s passing you by. 

You had better “get with it”.

But it is through our brokenness that we find God.  And only THEN is it really safe to move forward.

The wounded souls were beginning to make their way to his inner light that shone like a beacon through the darkness.

He had felt ready to share this gift with the world for a long time now; but had to wait for the gestation period to be over – and a little longer still to recover the manure from the family garden.

Even with everything in place, he knew better than to get impatient.  It would take a trinity of energies to bring it about for that is the way the universe works.

People will abandon me if I say how I really feel.

And even if they stay in my world, they will make me invisible to them which is even more painful than being abandoned.

Well, life has taught me that I may as well own those feelings that are going on inside.  Because if I don’t, the unclaimed anger will just grow bigger and bigger.  Without my conscious knowledge, it will come out sideways – and when it does, it will be WAY bigger than it started out because it has been fed and nourished by the part of me that is feeling victimized.

I SURRENDER ALL THAT I WAS TO MAKE ROOM FOR ALL THAT I CAN BE.

On this particular day, we were asked to give ourselves a grade between 1-10.  After some thought, I gave myself a 9.  The teacher was very surprised that I would grade myself so high when it was obvious to everyone that I was still struggling to find my voice.  So he asked me why I gave myself such a high mark.

I  replied, “I realize that I do not contribute as much to the group as everyone else.  But when I have something to say, I push myself to say it.  And knowing how far I have to push myself to say what wants to be said in me, I feel that I deserve a 9.”

He allowed me to keep the grade I had given myself.

Sometimes in judging where we are at in life, we have to remember to look back at where we are coming from; and then give credit where credit is due.

From here on in, I give myself permission to respect my limitations – no longer placing unrealistic expectations on myself. 

By the same token, I respect other peoples’ inability to live up to my unrealistic expectations for them.

Sometimes what comes easy for one person is very difficult for another.

Maybe I have pushed myself too far for too long and just need time to catch up to myself on all levels.  We’ll see – one day at a time – one step at a time.

And if, in the meantime, all I find myself doing is backing up, so be it.  I will just live the rest of my life backing up.

I have a new philosophy for living – one that I am devoting my ALL to:

Free my heart from hatred – in all its forms; no matter how subtle.

Free my mind from worries – even those nameless anxieties that haven’t quite made it to the surface yet.

Live simply.  Just BE and allow others to do the same.

Give more.  LIVE in the moment – giving all that is needed in the moment.

 Expect less – of myself, of other people, of life.

One of my sisters sent me this email a few months back which I saved because I liked it so much.

 SISTERS

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother.  As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.

“Don’t forget your Sisters,” she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass.  “They’ll be more important as you get older.  No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters.  Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.”

“Remember that Sisters means ALL women…your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives, and even women who are not in your immediate circle of family and friends.  You’ll need other women.  Women always do.”

“What a funny piece of advice,” the young woman thought.  “Haven’t I just gotten married?  Haven’t I just joined the couple world?  I’m now a married woman, for goodness sake!  A grown-up!  Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!”

But she listened to her mother.  She kept in contact with her Sisters; and made more women friends each year.  As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about.  As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

After more than 50 years of living in this world here is what I’ve learned:

THIS SAYS IT ALL:

Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don’t do what they’re supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.

BUT…….

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.  A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach.  When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end.

Sometimes they will even break the rules and walk beside you…Or come in and carry you out.  Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, nieces, cousins, and extended family all bless our life!

The world wouldn’t be the same without women, and neither would I.  When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead.  Nor did we know how much we would need each other.  Every day, we need each other still.

I do not know who wrote that – but it is making the rounds-and I am glad it crossed my path.  It felt good to acknowledge and give thought to the growing importance of my Sisters in my life. 

I wish this had crossed my path when I was a young woman – I think my heartaches would have been fewer and farther between.

It means that I will no longer be able to let those with more powerful energies railroad me into things I don’t want for myself.

It means  that I will no longer pick up responsibilities that belong to other people just because I see a need not being met.

It means that I will no longer let people with passive-aggressive tendencies push my buttons and get a reaction out of me.

It means I will not let other people use their negative energies to contaminate my space and stifle my spirit.

Sometimes the situation will call for me to vocalize my non-acceptance of what is happening.  Other times all it will take is a certain mindset on my part.  “No, I do not accept those words.  I will not even deem them worthy of a response.”

Just because the other person’s headspace is contaminated does not mean that I have to allow it to spill over and affect me even if they are a part of my world – and even if I care about them.

I came across a quote, from an unknown source, that I am going to keep with me for the next little while until these goals are second nature to me:

“Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.”

Destroying myself with food is no longer an option I even choose to consider.  Emotional eating is all about me abusing me so that I won’t say something another person won’t like hearing.

In his book “Bread For The Journey” Henri Nouwen writes:

“One of the greatest gifts we can offer our family and friends is helping them to die well.  Sometimes THEY are ready to go to God but we have a hard time letting them go.  But there is a moment in which we need to give those we love the permission to return to God, from whom they came.  We have to sit quietly with them and say. ‘Do not be afraid…I love you, God loves you…it’s time for you to go in peace…I won’t cling to you any longer…I set you free to go home…Go gently, go with my love.’  Saying this from the heart is a true gift.  It is the greatest gift love can give.” 

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps, and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want is buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle him or her gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout…run right back and make friends.

 Anonymous