Life Expectancy Of Grief

It is obvious to me now that I wasn’t trusting God to do His part – to change me from the inside out – to heal me.

I kept saying “I turn my will and my life over to You.”  But they were just empty words.  Words I wish I meant; but didn’t.  I had lost my trust in God – lost my connection with Him.  I wasn’t about to turn my life over to somebody I could no longer trust with it.

Daily I continued trying to force change on myself that I was not ready for.  Changes that would come naturally if I just stopped resisting the Life Force and learned to trust again.

But we just have to ride these things out – continuing to step forward into the future as we feel ready.  It is scary to stay broken for so long.  Our egos keep telling us that we have to fix ourselves and move forward.  Death is just around the corner if you don’t smarten up.  The world is still going on without you.  It’s passing you by. 

You had better “get with it”.

But it is through our brokenness that we find God.  And only THEN is it really safe to move forward.

Picking Up The Pieces

A quote from Joseph Campbell goes like this:  “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.”

I was holding on so tight that I never wanted to let go.  But that wasn’t getting me anywhere except further behind.  We are meant to pick up the pieces and move forward.

If I had died first and had to watch him not being able to enjoy the rest of his life, I would be in a grievous state.  Looking at it that way, I realize that I have not been fair to him.

I have not honored his memory by building something good out of what we had together.  I have just been throwing it away, feeling sorry for myself because I didn’t have it anymore. 

I am grateful for what we had together; it is time I started acting like it.

I will take the light from those wonderful memories, and use it to light my path into the future.

I will be grateful for, and make the most of, every day of my life from here on in.

Legacy Of A Soldier

He never wavered in his loyalty to his country or his comrades.  His bravery on the battlefield was rewarded by the medals he brought home with him.  Medals he never talked about……….. a war he never discussed except with fellow veterans who brought things to him to be fixed – and even then it was discussed only because they brought it up.

He kept all his memories inside with whatever other demons haunted him until he was in his sixties…..recovering from a stroke….no longer physically able to work……….grieving the loss of a son ………Finally there were too many losses to be contained in one vessel so….he began to share just a little……a teaspoonful here and there from the barrel he had stored inside.

She was his shadow when she was little – followed him everywhere – even out to his workshop.  She was so quiet they would forget she was there.  The stories they told often frightened her – gave her nightmares for a long time after.

But she didn’t mind that half as much as when he would sit in his armchair after they left and give himself over once again to the pain he couldn’t let go of.

Helplessly she stood and looked on – wanting to help – not knowing how.

 She would carry his pain with her – into her old age – like a part of her own life experience – like a toothache that wouldn’t go away - connecting her to the darker pieces of life’s puzzle.

Letting Go Is Hard To Do

I was putting my all into thriving rather than just surviving these past couple weeks – doing my best to rid myself of any thought patterns that were standing in my way.  And I was doing really good; or so I thought.  I seemed to be taking some giant footsteps forward.

Until………………….

 My eleven year old niece got in trouble at school on Thursday.  Friday she came home in tears, hating her life.  I probed her for details.  From what I could tell, she went out of her way to be rude, unpleasant, and uncooperative with her peers and then got upset when they retaliated in kind.  I tried to point out to her that her behavior was the initiating factor in all of this. She got really angry with me, and I got really angry at her, and it turned into a screaming match.

I have had to accept that I am definitely not the right person to be trying to have this conversation with her.  All it served to do was unbury all the anger in me that I had been barely managing to keep a lid on.  And our situations are just too similar for comfort.

I feel so cheated.  I know this is the wrong way to be looking at things but I have ignored it as long as I can.  I have tried to pretend it wasn’t there – it wouldn’t go away.   I have tried to rise above it – it didn’t work.  I have tried to move on from there and be thankful for the experience – while that is happening in small ways, I need to own and acknowledge these other feelings as well in hopes of being rid of them.  I have tried everything else, now I will just try embracing these feelings that I wish were not a part of me.

I look at other people who still have the person they love in their life and I feel cheated that the person I loved so much is no longer here.  Every day was worth living when he was here; now every day just seems to be such a struggle.  There are still so many days that, though I try to ignore that feeling, it just doesn’t seem worth it to even make the effort.  I do make the effort and some days are really nice, but all my days are shadowed by these feelings I don’t seem to be able to let go of.

I have finally learned to let go of him but I haven’t learned how to let go of these terrible feelings that have replaced him.

Dying

I am standing upon the seashore.  A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.  She is an object of beauty and strength.  I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.  Then someone at my side says, “There, she is gone.”

 ”Gone where?”

Gone from my sight.  That is all.  She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side, and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destinied port.  Her diminished size is in me, not in her.  And just at the moment when someone at my side says, “There, she is gone!” there are other eyes watching her coming, and there are other voices ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!” And that is dying.

Henry van Dyke (1852-1933) American author, educator, and clergyman

The Rose Beyond The Wall

Near a shady wall a rose once grew,
Budded and blossomed in God’s free light,
Watered and fed by the morning dew,
Shedding it’s sweetness day and night.

As it grew and blossomed fair and tall,
Slowly rising to loftier height,
It came to a crevice in the wall
Through which there shone a beam of light.

Onward it crept with added strength
With never a thought of fear or pride.
It followed the light through the crevices,
And unfolded itself on the other side.

The light, the dew, the broadening view
Were found the same as they were before,
And it lost itself in beauties new,
Breathing it’s fragrance more and more.

Shall claim of death cause us to grieve
And make our courage faint and fall?
Nay! Let us faith and hope receive -
The rose still grows beyond the wall.

Scattering fragrance far and wide
Just as it did in days of yore,
Just as it did on the other side,
Just as it will forevermore.

                                   A. L. Frink

One Candle

Dad and I chose the casket.

Purple was his favorite color and now I cannot look at purple without thinking about him.  Everywhere I look, I see purple.  The field by my parents’ home is full of purple flowers which I have never noticed until now.

Our older brother and his wife journeyed a thousand miles for the funeral.  They brought with them a jar of cherry jam bottled on his birthday.

He had so much to give to but never found a way to release it to the world.

Poor little devil.  He accomplished more with his death than he did with his life.

It is sad to live the way he lived; he never seemed able to get it together.

In a way death was kind to him.  Knowing he had suffered enough in life, death took him quickly.

This blessing God has bestowed upon our house brings with it much pain.

Why does death leave one feeling so defeated?  My muscles are so weak, I have trouble standing.  I’ve lost my will to fight for anything.

He came to me in a dream and left me with this message: “You are always wanting to live your life for somebody else instead of living for you.  Be there MORE for YOURSELF.”

Months later Mom and Dad are still overwhelmed with pain.

Why do you mourn
so
for the loss of your child?

You knew
he was not yours
forever.

He was not your possession.
He was on loan to you.

You were responsible
for his well-being
only until he was old enough
to claim this responsibility
for himself.

Calico Angel

My heart cries out for you;
how can I go on alone?
You were my laughter
where now there are tears.
You were my sunshine,
my warmth;
now replaced with pain.
I must remember how to love,
how to trust life again;
memories are not enough.
We’re meant to build our life anew.

White Flag of Surrender

I know you love me
but I beg you
to love me enough
to let me go.

Do not hold me back
with your grieving.
Your pain holds me back
from doing the things
I now must move on to do.

I was born to die.
Death is not
the terrible thing you think it is.
I am going to miss you -
just as much as you are going to miss me.
But the bond is not broken
just because I’ve gone somewhere else.

I want to find the answer
to this mystery called death.
Come and celebrate with me;
welcome my demise.
Pain is in life, not death.
Death is the key
that releases me
from the pain of life.

Father God

I’m a lost and lonely soldier, Father God,
fighting battles long ago over.
Can you save me?
Can you help me
find my way home again, Father God.

I once had a family, Father God.
I’m sure they did love me -
couldn’t see it,
couldn’t feel it;
but it must have been there,
somewhere, Father God?

 I once had a husband, Father God;
he beat me til I was senseless.
Now you wonder
why I don’t call  you.
All I’ve known is heartache,
trust betrayed over and over, Father God.

 I can stand no more pain, Father God,
that’s why I don’t call You.
What if I called and You didn’t answer
leaving me with no one;
abandoned even by You, Father God.

What’s that You’re whispering to me?
Is that You pulling at my heart strings?
My eyes fill with tears
as You remove my needless fears
Thank You
for bringing me safely home again, Father God.