Legacy Of A Soldier

He never wavered in his loyalty to his country or his comrades.  His bravery on the battlefield was rewarded by the medals he brought home with him.  Medals he never talked about……….. a war he never discussed except with fellow veterans who brought things to him to be fixed – and even then it was discussed only because they brought it up.

He kept all his memories inside with whatever other demons haunted him until he was in his sixties…..recovering from a stroke….no longer physically able to work……….grieving the loss of a son ………Finally there were too many losses to be contained in one vessel so….he began to share just a little……a teaspoonful here and there from the barrel he had stored inside.

She was his shadow when she was little – followed him everywhere – even out to his workshop.  She was so quiet they would forget she was there.  The stories they told often frightened her – gave her nightmares for a long time after.

But she didn’t mind that half as much as when he would sit in his armchair after they left and give himself over once again to the pain he couldn’t let go of.

Helplessly she stood and looked on – wanting to help – not knowing how.

 She would carry his pain with her – into her old age – like a part of her own life experience – like a toothache that wouldn’t go away - connecting her to the darker pieces of life’s puzzle.

Bitchin’

My food addiction has been trying to tell me for years that there is a cost for trying to be all things to all people.

And I’m not doing them any favors – not in the long run – not like I thought I was.

“Oh, are you having trouble with that?  Let me do it for you.”

Then they run off and play while I am left to do all the work…. and I get bitchy because of it.

And now it has gone on for so long that I don’t know how to do it any different.

 But I’m going to learn.

Shadows At Christmas

The dark shadows in our lives do not go away just because it is Christmas.

The last Christmas my husband and I spent together was overshadowed by the news we just received a couple weeks earlier that the cancer was back.  He was to start chemotherapy right after we rang in the New Year.  

 He was already in a lot of physical discomfort from the fast-growing tumors in his groin area.

Remembering my recent dream where he abandoned me to spend all his time in a workshop on a green, grassy knoll  – I was preparing myself for the worst.

But all of us – to the best of our ability – put our fears on a shelf – and threw ourselves into having the merriest Christmas ever.

And now I am so grateful that we did it that way – it was the last opportunity we had to celebrate Christmas together.

It was not easy – and we didn’t do it perfectly.  A lot of conscious effort had to be made – again and again.  But we had a good Christmas.  We made some good memories.  And we took lots of pictures.

Letting Go Is Hard To Do

I was putting my all into thriving rather than just surviving these past couple weeks – doing my best to rid myself of any thought patterns that were standing in my way.  And I was doing really good; or so I thought.  I seemed to be taking some giant footsteps forward.

Until………………….

 My eleven year old niece got in trouble at school on Thursday.  Friday she came home in tears, hating her life.  I probed her for details.  From what I could tell, she went out of her way to be rude, unpleasant, and uncooperative with her peers and then got upset when they retaliated in kind.  I tried to point out to her that her behavior was the initiating factor in all of this. She got really angry with me, and I got really angry at her, and it turned into a screaming match.

I have had to accept that I am definitely not the right person to be trying to have this conversation with her.  All it served to do was unbury all the anger in me that I had been barely managing to keep a lid on.  And our situations are just too similar for comfort.

I feel so cheated.  I know this is the wrong way to be looking at things but I have ignored it as long as I can.  I have tried to pretend it wasn’t there – it wouldn’t go away.   I have tried to rise above it – it didn’t work.  I have tried to move on from there and be thankful for the experience – while that is happening in small ways, I need to own and acknowledge these other feelings as well in hopes of being rid of them.  I have tried everything else, now I will just try embracing these feelings that I wish were not a part of me.

I look at other people who still have the person they love in their life and I feel cheated that the person I loved so much is no longer here.  Every day was worth living when he was here; now every day just seems to be such a struggle.  There are still so many days that, though I try to ignore that feeling, it just doesn’t seem worth it to even make the effort.  I do make the effort and some days are really nice, but all my days are shadowed by these feelings I don’t seem to be able to let go of.

I have finally learned to let go of him but I haven’t learned how to let go of these terrible feelings that have replaced him.

Loyal Soldier

A wounded man
in deep despair
sitting helplessly in his pain
remembering horrors
no one should even know.
His young daughter
watching from the doorway
arms limp by her sides.
She will carry his grief
in the core of her Being
til her dying day
never finding the key
that would set them both free.

The Prisoner

Hiding
behind a wall of fear
never daring
to break through
too afraid of failing
to try living
waiting to die.

No longer wanting the wall
that keeps me chained
to loneliness and fear
I plead to God
to show me the way
to life, to love.

Gilloutine

Impulses
deep within this body of mine
betraying me
once too often.

No more second chances.

Showing no compassion
I sentence each impetus to death
before it is even born
aborting each chance at life
mercilessly killing my Self.

Raison D’etre

The river needs no reason to flow
The sun needs no reason to shine
The flowers need no reason to bloom
So why do I so desperately need a reason to live?

The Black Pit

Sometimes the difference
between what I am
and what I want to be
is too great for me to bear.

At these times I slip away
to another place
inside my head
where nobody can reach me.

I still go on living
if you could call it that.
It’s really just existing
for there is no hope
no effort to take part
in anything.

I care not what others think of me
when I’m in this place;
I do what I have to do and no more.

Then finally
making peace with myself
I give life another try;
doing the best I can
with who I am.
Easing gently
into a new way of being
respecting the failings
I still need to work on.

Lessons Of The Heart

Wounds that only time will heal …

Distancing myself
from the pain
to put an end to my grief.

Returning
a little wiser
more able to cope.

But see the hurt in their eyes
not understanding
’twas love
that took me away from them
and ’twas love
that brought me back.