I had been successfully following my new food plan for three weeks without a single cheat when a situation presented itself in my family that required some emotional work on my part.
I was not up for the challenge and ended up heavy into the Hallowe’en candy that was packed away waiting for the day of the trick or treaters. The candy had been in the house for the three weeks that I was following the new food plan but did not tempt me once until the emotional upheaval.
It took me almost two weeks to sort out what happened and get myself back on track. It did not happen until I worked my way through “the situation” and admitted to myself what I had to do, and then put those wheels in motion – painful as they were. Then I was able to also get my food back in order – choosing a food plan that was not so restrictive that it excluded some of the healthier carbs that my body needed.
When I was trying to make sense of what happened, I wrote in my journal: “I went down the slippery slope of self-hatred and punished myself with food. It became so intermingled that I was unable to determine which came first – the food or the self-hatred.”
But now that I am looking back, I realize that all of it was about running away from my emotions the same way I always have - instead of facing up to something that was not working in my life and doing something about it, I would escape into the food until life forced a solution on me.
My Recovery leaves no room for that kind of escapism any longer and the feelings of self-hatred that always accompany it.
November 12, 2007 at 10:40 pm
oh, I am so sorry – I hear your pain and your hope in this. Thank you so much for sharing so honestly and transparently. We speak the same language. I sure do miss having you at meetings!
November 13, 2007 at 11:47 am
Thank you for leaving a comment, Heidi. I love hearing from my readers. I miss the meetings as well – winter will not last forever.